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Know Your Asshole Footprint

Regrettably, some people are simply not aware of how large an asshole footprint they leave on the planet. Here, Vanity Fair offers aquestionnaire that will help such individuals determine the size and breadth of their footprint. If you answer "yes" to four or more of the questions for your age group, it is incumbent upon you to take urgent measures to reduce your asshole footprint.

illustrations by Ross MacDonald October 2007

For ages 14–25

1. Do you refer to attractive members of the opposite sex as "smokin' hot"?
2. Do you leave vitriolic comments in the "Comments" sections of blogs and Web sites, even if you're commenting on something innocuous, such as an old Linkin Park video?
2a. When leaving such comments, do you use such rote Internet pejoratives as "asshat," "douchebag," and "'tard"?
3. Are you convinced that it's only a matter of time before the world recognizes you as the next Andy Samberg?
4. Do you write a dating column for your school paper or local weekly?
5. When you are being photographed, do you flash gang signs?
6. Are your birthday parties televised?
7. Is your name Skylar, Tyler, Taylor, Cat, Bryce, Morgan, Brandon, Braden, Hayden, Jaden, Brianna, or Keegan?

For ages 26–39

1. Do you work in an office with a Foosball or Ping-Pong table?
2. Do you run a T-shirt company that specializes in flimsy apparel that runs small and whose designs are essentially appropriations of old advertising and TV logos from the 1960s and 70s?
3. Does it take more than two words to describe what you do for a living?
4. Have you or has anyone in your close circle of friends written a roman à clef about being a rich socialite, working in publishing, working in film, bonking the help, or any combination of the aforementioned circumstances?
5. Do you refer to ordinary male pastimes and accessories with such terms as "man-cation," "man-date," "man-purse," "man-orexic," and "man-olos"?
6. Before you go out bicycling, do you first change into iridescent spandex shorts and a skintight spandex shirt with a gaudy pattern recalling a 1990s screen saver?
7. Do you refer to having young children as "doing the parent thing"?
7a. If you do indeed have young children, have you launched a blog, or, worse, a video blog, about raising them?

For ages 40–55

1. Do you have money in a hedge fund?
2. Is your car worth more than $100,000?
3. Did you join a church or temple in order to get your children into its affiliated school?
4. Does your wife run a "therapeutic" gift shop/yoga studio/juice bar in the little town where you summer?
4a. If so, did you drive out a longtime mom-and-pop general store beloved by locals in order to obtain the lease or building for your wife's store?
5. Do you send off your kids to summer camp by helicopter?
6. Have you ever shelled out in the five figures to attend a rock 'n' roll "fantasy camp"?
6a. If so, do you keep a framed photo on your desk of you with your arm draped around a sweaty Roger Daltrey?
7. When your companion gets up to use the facilities at a restaurant, are you incapable of passing even the smallest blip of solitary time without theatrically scrolling or tapping on your BlackBerry, Trēo, or iPhone?

How to Reduce Your Asshole Footprint: Some Tips

1. Read a book to a small child, and not in a "Cool! I read this when I was a kid!" way.
2. Stop gelling, mussing, and spiking your hair. You should part it, and that's that.
3. Refrain from ever using the construction "Mmm, I want me some.…"
4. Do not ever order a Cosmopolitan again.
5. Do not leave any comments in any "Comments" section, on any occasion, ever.
6. Give in to the aging process, through every step of it.
7. Eat leftovers.
8. Go two entire, consecutive days without using a wireless electronic communication device.
9. Do not ever again refer to an elderly person, to his or her face, as "so cute."
10. All those things prescribed by Robert Greene in The 48 Laws of Power? Do the precise opposite.

From the "Big Book of British Smiles"

Earmuffs have come early this year!

Can someone please help this "lady"

In my inbox:

GOD BLESS YOU.

I AM MOTHER JANE COLE FROM NETHERLAND ?just one A WIDOW TO LATE PATRICK COLE I AM 61 YEARS OLD, I AM A NEW CHRISTAIN CONVERT, SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST, ALL INDICATION MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WOUDIN wooden, LIVE MORE THAN THREE MONTHS, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS,AND IN ALL INDICATION REGARDS TO MEDICAL ANALYSIS huh?, THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANER STAGE isn't this in singapore where they have graffiti shows HAS GOTTEN TO A VERYBAD brother of strongbad STAGE THAT NO HOPE FOR ME TO BE A LIVING PERSON AGAIN, try voodoo and join the undead...brains,

MY LATE HUSBAND KILLED how many did he kill DURING THE HURRICANE DISASTER IN NEW ORLEANS,AND DURING THE PERIOD OF OUR MARRIAGE WE COULD NOT PRODUCEANY CHILD maybe it had to do with all his killing .MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH.

THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN SIX MONTHS upgraded from 3 months, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DIVIDE THE PART OF THIS WEALTH, TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA ASIA a new region in the world AND EUROPE ESPECAILLY CREATE SOLUTION TO PROBLEM OF LESS PREVILLAGED as opposed to post-villaged ONES AND ALPHANAGE HOMES screw the betas!.

I SELECTED YOU AFTER VISITING THE WEBSITE she likes the hash I PRAYED AND FAST FOR THREE WEEKS OVER IT careful, only 9 weeks left by the first countdown WITH ADVISE OF MY PASTOR,I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF $7.5M U.S DOLLARS, TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED our hash.PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NOTE THAT FUND IS LYING IN A SECURITY COMPANY AND UPON MY INSTRUCTION,MY ATTORNEY,WHO PRESENTLY IS IN AFRICA DISTRIBUTING RELIEF MATERIALS TO OF BOMBLAST and the bomb-first? IN SLERRA-LEONE,WILL FILE IN AN APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE MONEY IN YOUR NAME.

LASTLY,I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED WILL BE USED FOR THE SAID PURPOSE which is not said but I guess she means BEER!!! EVEN THOUHG IM LATE THEN, BECAUSEI HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY AND I MADE THE PROMISE TO GOD THAT THE FUND WILL BE USE TO BUILD HIS TIMPLE, like a pimple but with a cross. Are you kidding, she's a new convert and her ex-husband, a killer by her words, leaves her a pile of money to give to the hash and THIS is vanity?

MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD ANDTHE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY I AWAIT URGENT REPLY TO MY ALTERNATIVE EMAIL ADDRESS: janecole1907@yahoo.com

GOD BLESS YOU.
MOTHER JANE COLE

Feel free to contact Mother but hurry unless she joins the undead she won't be around long. Ok, all this was a stupid lead into a funny video.

What, there's no BEER!!!

Sex Tax Guide to Telling Time

Growing up in the back country Italy was hard on the old Silver Fox, but he sure like it when asked for the current time.

Engineering Made Easy

An older video about a revolutionary type of engine. Could be a bit difficult for non-native english speakers out there.

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