Know Your Asshole Footprint

Regrettably, some people are simply not aware of how large an asshole footprint they leave on the planet. Here, Vanity Fair offers aquestionnaire that will help such individuals determine the size and breadth of their footprint. If you answer "yes" to four or more of the questions for your age group, it is incumbent upon you to take urgent measures to reduce your asshole footprint.

illustrations by Ross MacDonald October 2007

For ages 14–25

1. Do you refer to attractive members of the opposite sex as "smokin' hot"?
2. Do you leave vitriolic comments in the "Comments" sections of blogs and Web sites, even if you're commenting on something innocuous, such as an old Linkin Park video?
2a. When leaving such comments, do you use such rote Internet pejoratives as "asshat," "douchebag," and "'tard"?
3. Are you convinced that it's only a matter of time before the world recognizes you as the next Andy Samberg?
4. Do you write a dating column for your school paper or local weekly?
5. When you are being photographed, do you flash gang signs?
6. Are your birthday parties televised?
7. Is your name Skylar, Tyler, Taylor, Cat, Bryce, Morgan, Brandon, Braden, Hayden, Jaden, Brianna, or Keegan?

For ages 26–39

1. Do you work in an office with a Foosball or Ping-Pong table?
2. Do you run a T-shirt company that specializes in flimsy apparel that runs small and whose designs are essentially appropriations of old advertising and TV logos from the 1960s and 70s?
3. Does it take more than two words to describe what you do for a living?
4. Have you or has anyone in your close circle of friends written a roman à clef about being a rich socialite, working in publishing, working in film, bonking the help, or any combination of the aforementioned circumstances?
5. Do you refer to ordinary male pastimes and accessories with such terms as "man-cation," "man-date," "man-purse," "man-orexic," and "man-olos"?
6. Before you go out bicycling, do you first change into iridescent spandex shorts and a skintight spandex shirt with a gaudy pattern recalling a 1990s screen saver?
7. Do you refer to having young children as "doing the parent thing"?
7a. If you do indeed have young children, have you launched a blog, or, worse, a video blog, about raising them?

For ages 40–55

1. Do you have money in a hedge fund?
2. Is your car worth more than $100,000?
3. Did you join a church or temple in order to get your children into its affiliated school?
4. Does your wife run a "therapeutic" gift shop/yoga studio/juice bar in the little town where you summer?
4a. If so, did you drive out a longtime mom-and-pop general store beloved by locals in order to obtain the lease or building for your wife's store?
5. Do you send off your kids to summer camp by helicopter?
6. Have you ever shelled out in the five figures to attend a rock 'n' roll "fantasy camp"?
6a. If so, do you keep a framed photo on your desk of you with your arm draped around a sweaty Roger Daltrey?
7. When your companion gets up to use the facilities at a restaurant, are you incapable of passing even the smallest blip of solitary time without theatrically scrolling or tapping on your BlackBerry, Trēo, or iPhone?

How to Reduce Your Asshole Footprint: Some Tips

1. Read a book to a small child, and not in a "Cool! I read this when I was a kid!" way.
2. Stop gelling, mussing, and spiking your hair. You should part it, and that's that.
3. Refrain from ever using the construction "Mmm, I want me some.…"
4. Do not ever order a Cosmopolitan again.
5. Do not leave any comments in any "Comments" section, on any occasion, ever.
6. Give in to the aging process, through every step of it.
7. Eat leftovers.
8. Go two entire, consecutive days without using a wireless electronic communication device.
9. Do not ever again refer to an elderly person, to his or her face, as "so cute."
10. All those things prescribed by Robert Greene in The 48 Laws of Power? Do the precise opposite.

Sept 23rd - Hash #866

Scribe: Incredible Hulk

Hashers met in the usual spot opposite the parliament building in brilliant sunshine under a blue sky. A fantastic day for being out in the Budapest countryside !

So where was everyone??? No Hare for the day, no GM (at home looking after his worn out pussy …… willow), no Baldrick, no Rabies, we didn't even have an Anus (Saint or otherwise). But we did have Run By Battery, Giving Head, French Maid, Haggis, Wet Blanket, a recovering Cheesy Balls (unable to do what his right hand is for) and Incredible Hulk, plus a good bevy of No-Names and Virgins.

We were too many for the 2 cars, so all headed for the end of the bus 11 route. Incredible, Cheesy Balls and his young virgin (he claims to be his Niece) were the only runners, so the 3 set off into the forest and set a flour train for the Walkers. The walkers got an easy trail to follow, along small paths, down the hill between some lovely old trees, eventually arriving at a view stop with a good vista over the valley. Then down into the valley on a suburban route, but at the bottom, back into the forest, along some small paths to avoid doubling back onto the track down, but the path got smaller and smaller, ending in the middle of a large area of stinging nettles.

After hunting around a bit, an exit was eventually found over some decorative piles of rubbish and through a wire fence, out onto a road. Flour blobs were set and the walkers complained it was too easy! (Wait for the next time then!). So onwards along the road, slowly uphill and eventually going right and up into the forest again, soon arriving back at the start. A nice stroll or jog on a wonderful day !

So back to the circle, with only one or 2 knowing the words of the songs, made it a tame affair. Virgins were christened, returners rewarded and the usual drinks spread around. Then most headed down the hill to a very nice resto, "Lugas" where the food was much enjoyed while sitting in the sunshine, especially the desserts which were good enough to give Erica several oral orgasms.

So – next week we hope for a good turn out, and hopefully a hare will be produced from the hat.

OnOn!!!

From the "Big Book of British Smiles"

Earmuffs have come early this year!

Sept. 16th - Hash #865

Sunday 16 September 2007
Hare & Scribe - Sexytax

Hares and scribes being reluctant to volunteer, these tasks were therefore combined on this occasion. The main attraction this week for our less active friends was that this hash was completely flat, no mountains, hills, cliffs or precipices laid in wait, just lots of Flatness. Hajogyari (Obudai) Sziget was the destination, previously only known to most as the location for thousands of spaced-out music fans enjoying the annual Sziget Festival, however for fifty-one weeks of the year it is a delightful and quiet island, ideal for a pleasant Sunday day out.

Eighteen hashers gathered in the sun waiting for the day’s events to unfold. Long queues in the supermarket whilst buying the beer and water delayed the start, but by 12:15 three cars and a small group travelling by HEV were on their way to the sziget. Only four runners went on ahead leaving the walkers to enjoy a pleasant stroll around the island, the main distractions were a hot-dog stall, which attracted our more hungry hashers and the children’s playground, the delights of which included slides. The sight of one, shall we say “well fed” hasher, scaling the ladders and squeezing into a stainless steel tube will stay with me for a long time and the fact that he emerged at the other end without getting stuck is a miracle – luckily we left before the police arrived!

The circle was again ably supervised by Incredible and as is usual, hash virgins who have previously promised they will have lunch and return next week, after the circle, mysteriously disappear and are never seen again – was it something we said?

Lunch was eventually taken at Rozmaring Kertvendeglo on the river near Arpad hid, much rearranging of furniture eventually saw us settled and a tasty meal with liquid accompaniments brought the day to a successful conclusion.

OnOn

Blue Danube H3 Cruise 2007 - Esztergom

The Esztergom run went very well, the Danube level was just low enough to dock, although part of the planned trail was under water, we found a revised route OK through a rugby pitch (only to find they were playing when the run started!. They loved the run around the town, the outskirts with traditional wine cellars and up the hills (although some complained about the 'up'). Many said it was the best hash of the trip, so we think Budapest has done a good job.

The FRB trail took them up pretty high up for good views, only one got lost at the top (after stopping to leak, only to find everyone gone and the sneaky trail difficult to find . Best was the wine stop with a wooden barrel with 50L wine for the ~125 hashers. It all went (some as down-downs later in the circle). Sandor, the old guy who grew the grapes and made the wine seemed very proud with all the complements, and the little road which was totally blocked with the sweaty bodies had never been so busy. Most walkers and runners got to the wine stop in about 45 min as expected, but Haggis was 'sweeping' the slow walkers, including Bill who is 85, so they were somewhat late. But all eventually got their wine.

The beer not drunk Tuesday all went on Thursday, so almost everything we bought for the runners was consumed. Another 25 T-shirts went OK - I was hoping for more sales, but most hashers seemed to have so many T-shirts that they could not manage another one.

Sadly the Wolf became ill in Bp and needed a doctor - so rest and no alcohol for a while. Lisbet took him by car to the wine stop where he enjoyed the ambiance if not the wine. Wash & Blow lost something on the boat Tuesday, nobody admitted to anything so nothing was recovered for her. The circle was well run by Kingfisher, with a lot of good Hash amusement and plenty of beer. It was a sad moment when Haggis and Incredible were chucked off the boat before it left for Bratislava - but a very good day all round !

OnOn!!!

Incredible Hulk

Sept 9th - Hash #864 BBQ Time in II district

Hares: Can't Say No, Come and Go, Eagle Eye
Scribe: 10 Minutes Late

There was a record number of people sept.9 - about 25 including a friendly dog, which looked more like a sheep. We started at the last stop of the 56 tram and didn't even have enough cars, so some unlucky transport pass owners had to get a public. The weather finally got better after few miserable rainy days and we had no problems finding the way thanks to plenty of marks for both runners and walkers. Due to a big number of people everyone could find lots of partners for communicating of the hot topics was the discussion of possibilities for the Danube Cruise to make it inspite of high level of the river. Some suggestions were made to supply them with bathing suits to make their floating more enjoyable.

When everyone got hungry the highlight of the day was a barbecue hosted by hares CSN and C\G (Juliette and Ronald). We couldn't have wished more: a house with a breathtaking view, chicken and meat barbecue and even home made chocolate cake for dessert. Plenty of beer, as usual and when some still thirsty hashers mentioned "shots" it appeared immediately on the table with a magic wand of the hosts. When it got cooler outside people moved inside, I don't know how long they stayed, I had to leave earlier, hopefully nobody slept in the bushes... Thanks again to our hospitable hosts!!!

Sept 2nd - Hash #863 HHH

Hare-Jaws

The Outsourcing Run

We were the last to arrive as I had mucked around the house debating about whether to attend due to my child carrier (aka my other half “Come and Go” – aptly named you will notice) being out of the country. Fortunately the Budapest Pack has an intellectual IQ that appeals to 3.5 year old “Eagle Eye” and I was able to outsource child entertainment for a substantial part of the afternoon.

We moved by car convey (the hare squashed into the boot of my car) to the start of the run which I understand to be the end of the 56 or 65 bus. Anyway, we were headed for the highest point in Budapest - a thought I relished with a 15.5kg handicap.

Eagle Eye and myself started somewhat slowly as we collected several rocks, sticks and examined carefully the blobs (few and far between). Pussy Willow and Sheila doubled back to make sure we were still en-route. Pussy Willow accepted a huge stick as a gift from Eagle Eye which she managed to carry around for the entire run including the bus and tram trip back to the circle.

Up and up we went following a blob approx. each kilometre. At last we arrived at the beer stop and we were glad to be ahead of the main group of walkers. Drinks were ordered and I made the fatal mistake to order a shandy. This was mainly because I wanted to seem a responsible parent on the descent, which would most likey involve carrying Eagle Eye. Some locals helped with translation and I ended up with a small beer and juice – bloody useless translators! Then about 5mins later some bread and dripping arrived as the Shandy! It was so warmly received by the pack that a plate of it was ordered and quickly eaten up over another round.

The sky looked ominous, so we started to make our way back. The runners speed off and the walkers talked and talked and walked straight past a false trail mark….thinking we were being super clever and that all roads lead to beer. Not so! As we descended we started to realise that we were actually no where close to where we were meant to be. Cross examining several locals and a bus driver saw us get on a bus then a tram to meet with the rest of the pack.

The circle was behind a local church with many crimes being punished and a general whip around for money for Jaws to buy more flour next time.

The evening commenced with a trip to a local pizza joint and another Sunday bloody Sunday used up on a load of good for nothings…well at least they are good entertainment for a child!

Till next week when Eagle Eye and parents set our first Budapest trail.

On On
Can´t Say No

Blue Danube H3 Cruise 2007 - Budapest

Welcome Blue Danube H3 2007 Cruise

Budapest is the first stop of your journey Tuesday September 11th.

Your Hares will be Cheesy Balls and Baldric, more info come in a bit....